


Imperfectly permanent

by t0talcha0s



Series: Permanence [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Feelings are discussed, M/M, POV Dirk, Sex is mentioned, The promised sequel, This one is rushed though I s2g my whole other sequel I had planned got deleted, but i like this one, it leads along the progression of the series, roxy is mentioned as always
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2015-03-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 17:05:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3577239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t0talcha0s/pseuds/t0talcha0s
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the smallest moments of observation where you truly fear the future. When the pain ebbs away and he is all that remains.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Imperfectly permanent

**Author's Note:**

> "I'll love you, I'll love you- the darkest part of you"  
> -Eliza Rickman (Coming Up Roses)

It scares you. It really does. How he can hold you this close, how he can sleep so calmly. He knows so much more about you then you usually feel comfortable with, and he knows he does. He snores, you note, his legs splayed out, arms around you, cradling your back, and you swear you see a spot of drool on his pillow. This is the man that could destroy you. The one who always lets you go, with such unwavering certainty that you will come back. What scares you the most is that each and every damn time you do; your resistance wearing away. As if it’s no longer your decision. You used to think that he was wrapped tight around your finger, neat and tied up in a pretty little bow. Now that’s still true, you’ve still got him right where you like your men. The problem is (and you’re not necessarily wrapped around his finger (you don’t think he could do that, purposefully) and you don’t even think he realises) but, you believe you’ve lost the choice to leave. In some subconscious way the tether is snapped. Whatever is, was, your escape is now gone. Bridge snapped, exit blocked, chained and bound to a man you wish you never met, and can’t imagine who you’d be without. You’re so used to the ability to grab everything and run. To burn all that was your past and embrace your cowardly nature, flee from what had the slightest potential to hurt you. You’ve been hurt too much already. Yet you allow this man, you allow Caliborn, to have the ability to destroy you, break you, and that. That is what terrifies you.

Ever since he broke routine (and he truly did shatter it, a feeble china cup against a heavy stone wall) you haven’t been able to find some sort of escape. Even though you know you wouldn’t want to, the comfort of leaving no longer exists. Scrabbling for some sort of friction or purchase against too smooth walls, any way to get ahead, to have the upper hand. 

You’ve been seeing him more lately. The visits coming sooner and sooner. The time spent at his home longer and longer. You can see in the disapproving somber way Roxy looks at you the days after, that she’s concerned. She’s concerned for you, and you believe you’re also concerned. You haven’t found a new boyfriend, strange as that may be. You’d always just gone right back into the dating scene, flirting shamelessly and soon finding some man to use, destroy, and set loose again. Sure you usually took a few visits with Caliborn before, a few weeks where you would be monopolised by him, before moving on to find your next man. However, this time it’s been a month or so, and you haven’t found the slightest tinge of urge to leave. You’ve got the slightest feeling of being a trained bird, always coming at his request (sometimes literally). He has frequently reiterated that you’re his, and you think you’ve, in a small part of yourself, accepted it. That you want to be his, want to be owned. Maybe his apathy towards his ability to destroy you is so refreshing to you. The hand possessively resting on the small of your back pulls you closer, tightens it's grip more. 

You recall the first time he interrupted you on his balcony. You love his balcony, he's got a beautiful view of downtown that just fits so nicely with an early morning smoke and a sore ass. You had been cold that day you'll admit, wearing just a pair of magenta briefs, so the warm arms wrapping around your waist and that thick chest against your back was hardly unwelcome. But you let some smoke roll out of your mouth as you stood still for a moment. Relishing in the feeling and being slightly ornery about being interrupted mid-thought.  
"You've got such an oral fixation you need to smoke every time hm?" In truth it helps to calm your breathing when you think too hard, but you wouldn't let Caliborn know that. "You're going to bleed me dry with how expensive those things are." He grumbled head rested against the back of your neck.  
"Perhaps, but with how much your dick appreciates my supposed oral fixation I hardly think you mind the expense." You had smirked and flicked the last of your ash over the edge of the building, placing the butt in his ashtray. Before you could make a witty comment about condom prices he turned you around and you placed your hands on his arms.  
"Don't think my dick remembers it."  
"I'm almost insulted, your dick ought to remember a show like that."  
"Perhaps you ought to give it one again." He was, is, always a little blunt about what he wants. You found no reason not to indulge him however. After indulging him and showering he had offered you food; which freaked you out, you never ate there, your reasons for being there were always purely sex related. You didn't take him up on his offer, saying you had to get to work. That was the first time your confusion began to blossom around him. 

You curl your head into him, arms loosely looped around him. One of his hands rests on the small of your back, his other arm thrown over your side and your ankles tucked under his. You don't even need a blanket with how warm he is. You don't love him. You're sure of that. God you're not even sure if you're capable of having romantic feelings for Caliborn. Some voice in your head tells you you wouldn't be here and worrying about this if it wasn't plausible, but you tell it to shut up and fuck off. He stirs a little in his sleep, pulling you closer, tightening his grip on you and you wonder what he's dreaming of. You often find yourself in moments like this at his place. Awake, thinking deeply while he's asleep. You don't love him, you don't have a single romantic bone in your body when it comes to him. You feel yourself start to get anxious. You don't want a relationship with him, you should cut off what you already have.  
"For the love of god, Strider. I can feel you stress bitching and it makes it hard to sleep." Caliborn grumbles next to you, pulling you flush into him. "Tell your thinking to shut the fuck up and go to sleep asshole." You huff but lean your head onto his chest. You like to listen to his heartbeat, it's familiar, human, makes you feel comfortable. Caliborn's hand resting on your side moves up to run through the short hairs on the back of your neck. It seems comforting but it edges on possessive. You just think of the scratches you've left on his back and don't feel as weak as he likes to make you feel. When you feel his breathing slow and the gentle snoring come back up you shove away all thoughts of emotions and let yourself enjoy his touch and the calm. It's a strange sort of calm, an understanding calm, with an edge of darkness. Nothing looming or ready to strike, but as if the world understands that right now you need relax in the arms of this man. You figure if that equates to any sort of romantic affection so be it. 

It still terrifies you though.

**Author's Note:**

> God I had a whole different fic that talked about Caliborn picking Dirk up after Rufioh and it got deleted and it was good but instead you get this. UGH  
> It not too bad. Dirk is a poor anxious baby.  
> Anyway I'm on tumblr at Barefootcosplayer input is always appreciated. Thank you for reading!


End file.
